Southwest Airlines Flight Attendant Gives Funny Pre-Flight Emergency Procedure Speech (VIDEO)

I would love to have a flight attendant like that of Southwest Airlines.

Watch this video of Marty Cobb giving a speech about emergency procedures in a much funnier way.

Note: The full transcript of her speech is found below.

VIDEO

If i can pretend to have your attention for just a few minutes my ex husband, my new boyfriend, and their divorce attorney are going to show you the safety features of this 3780 series it’s been a long day for me so properly fasten your seat belts slide the flat end of the buckle to release lift up on the buckle. Position your seatbelt tight and low across your hips like my grandmother wears her support bra. If you get mad at me when I take your (??) there’s eight ways to get there two forward exit doors wing exits, signs over head disco lights on the floors label each exit.

Everybody gets a door prize in the seat pocket in front of you along with dirty diapers chewing gum wrappers banana peels and all the other gifts you leave for us from time to time is the safety information card. Take it out, check it out you’ll notice in the highly unlikely event that the captain lets us near a hot tub everybody gets their very own teeny weeny yellow Southwest bikini. One size fits all. Take it out only when told to do so. Place it over your head wrap that strap around your waist, buckle it in the front and pull it tight. Once outside pull down on the red tab to inflate, to manually inflate it blow at the tub on your shoulder. Flight attendants are coming by hoping that you’ll tell them how good looking they are. They’re going to make sure that your seat backs and tray tables are in their full and upright and absolute most uncomfortable position as possible. And your carry-on items are crammed and shoved completely under the seat in front of you leaving absolutely no room for your knees or feet. As you know it’s a no smoking, no whining, no complaining flight.

It’s a please and thank you and you are such a good looking flight attendant flight. Smoking is never allowed onboard with Southwest. If you’re caught smoking in the lavatory the fine for that is $2,000, and if you want to pay that for your airfare you should have flown somebody else. If we do make you that nervous in the next hour and half you’re more then welcome to step outside. We don’t discriminate at southwest we have a special smoking section just for you. We’ll even show you a movie tonight: we have “Up In the Air”. And the flight attendant serving you is Wendy and her motto is If you can light it you can smoke it. Federal law prohibits tampering with or disabling or destroying any smoke detector or web cam in our lavatory.

Federal aviation regulations require passenger compliance with the lighted passenger information signs and posted placards basically just do what we said and nobody gets hurt. And although we never anticipate a loss in cabin pressure, if we did we certainly wouldn’t be at work tonight, but if needed four oxygen masks are in the compartment overhead. Stop screaming, let go of your neighbors, pull until that plastic tip is fully extended, place the mask over your nose and mouth and breathe normally. To activate the flow of oxygen simply insert 75 cents for the first minute and (??). Although that plastic bag may not inflate you are receiving lots and lots of gin… oxygen. And if you’re traveling with small children, we’re sorry. If you’re traveling with more then one child pick out the one you think might have the most earning potential down the road. And if you’re traveling with somebody needing very special assistance – like your husband – bless his heart – or your wife put on your mask first.

That’s it for the news and that’s the show and tell sit back and relax, or you can sit up and be tense either way.

Update: And here is a new one: